i’m going to africa…can you believe it?!?! you’ll get to see and hear more of the journey as it unfolds but the bottom line is – i’m going because your mom is making me. well, not entirely…we both feel like this time is unique for a few reasons which i’ll get to in a moment, but she is the one that drew a line in the sand and said “you have to go.”
so, holiday and i have been battling (discussing) for 3 years now whether or not to have more kids. she is absolutely capable of being an incredible mom to a baker’s dozen while i struggle to die to my self enough to be a decent husband and father to the 3 of you guys. while i have been unwavering on my biological (notice the word “logical“) kid stance, about a year ago we watched our good friends go through an adoption journey and for whatever reason, i caught myself being somewhat open to the idea. we’ve been discussing (not battling) the idea ever since and while we have no clear answers on who, where, or when, we have pursued conversations with other families that have adopted and what their journey has been like…
God continues to shape and transform my mind and heart, challenging me to become a more passionate follower of Jesus, loving my neighbor in practical ways, being the life of the church lived out in community. i don’t want to be responsible for leading and influencing a generation of believers that waste time like i did – eternity secure, knowing about Jesus, building a compartmentalized life that hides behind a cloak of spiritual acts, checking all the right spiritual boxes and leaving the hard work of practically loving and serving to others…
we have amazing church partners in africa…relationships that have grown even deeper this past year as we acknowledged and began dying to our american arrogance, learning and receiving from them as well as teaching and giving. we have so much to learn from them about what a church in the community, for the community looks like…
i realize this is pretty vague and messy, but it seems that’s the way much of life is. i’m going because i (we) believe God will speak into not just these areas, but challenge me in ways i can’t even begin to see or predict. and you know what…
i’m scared.
i’m scared of what i will see and how it will break me…i’m scared of what i’ll experience and how it will change me…i’m scared of what God will say and how it will challenge me. i’m scared of all of this because i think my life is about to get more uncomfortable, and i will have to become more courageous…
on vacation, someone (probably holiday) thought it would be great if all 3 families, all 14 of us – 6 adults and 8 kids, went on a run together…the adults run (with baby joggers as needed) and the kids ride their bikes. being the huge fan of running that i am, i volunteered to stick with cozy believing that she would keep the most appropriate pace. i was right – the adults took off with the other kids pedaling fast behind them and cozy and me bringing up the rear, cozy walking her bike down the driveway to the trail.
now, i don’t like to run but cozy’s sub-walking pace was a little slow (even for me) so i encouraged her to actually get on her bike and ride it. she informed me that she didn’t like to ride down the hills, only on the flat ground or uphill. looking ahead and seeing a trail that wound it’s way up and down through trees and fields i knew that my incredible patience would never sustain this pace with cozy constantly getting on and off her bike, walking and pedaling at ridiculously short intervals. i instructed cozy to get on her bike and ride like the wind but she refused again, this time with a little more ‘passion’. i asked her why she wouldn’t ride, what she was afraid of, and she informed me that she didn’t know how to use her brakes and felt out of control going downhill. “cozy, today is the day you learn to use your brakes”, i said…
i spent some time with her, lifting up the back of her bike to let her pedal and showing her how to stop the rear wheel. then i set it down and walked beside her while she pedaled slowly and then stopped, gradually increasing the distance between stops – 10ft, then 50ft, then 30 yds, then 50yds, etc. then it was time for the real test – a slight downhill into a long straightaway. cozy timidly and slowly let the bike coast into the downhill, then let it go faster realizing this was magic because she didn’t even have to pedal to move. her fear turned to joy, her tears to laughter as she learned how to control her bike and exercise her new-found freedom. that joy and freedom gradually turned into a self-confidence (and casualness) that caused her to turn her head, talk with her friends, show off a little bit, and eventually steer into the weeds and gravel.
as i reflected on my journey with cozy, i see glimpses of my journey with Jesus. he asks me my fears, stays with me, helps me overcome them, and as soon as i feel confident and in control it creates a casualness where i get lazy, show off for friends, and exercise my freedom in a way that leads me off the trail.
listen, trust, learn…let Jesus teach and lead you through fear and difficulty…but when you are coasting through the trees and fields don’t become self-confident and casual in your journey…
…not vacations. i’ve learned to adjust my language to help my expectations of our time together on trips. vacation speaks of rest and resfreshment of which i get neither chasing you three around for days on end, not to mention the packing, loading, driving, unloading, unpacking, repacking, reloading, driving, unloading, unpacking and cleaning that takes place during an excursion like the one we just had.
that said, here are a few things i learned from my time with you guys…
1. you are inclusive, always looking for new friends and interactions with others wherever you are. you don’t judge or make assumptions about others and even if things get a little crazy with an old or new friend, you’re quick to forgive and move toward them with empathy.
2. you are so courageous, leaning into new experiences. your willingness to try new things and succeed, or fail, just to try again and not have it impact your view of self. you still know and believe that your identity is not wrapped up in what you do or how you perform. you demonstrate to me perseverance, trust and courage in such a tangible way.
3. you are so patient, enduring half-day car rides, waiting for mom and dad to clean and/or prepare for the next outing, get a meal happening, or whatever. my margin gets so thin…my patience wears…i start thinking of only me, my emotion, my stress, my thoughts, and i will just blow up. i’m so sorry for the emotional explosions that get fired your way at times…
i know you guys are looking to me as a model and knower of all-things wise and wonderful but you see, you are teaching me more than you know. you’re reminding me every day of my need and desire to become more child-like just like Jesus calls all of us to be…knowing that as i do, i might become a little more inclusive, courageous, trusting, and patient.
thank you for being my teachers…i love you guys.
you guys hear me say this to you all the time right now – riding motorcycles and bikes…playing football and basketball.
keep your head up.
it allows you to maintain your vision and balance – to see where you want to go, be aware of what’s coming and be prepared for what will knock you off your path.
yesterday your mom took me paddleboarding for the first time and we couldn’t have had a more beautiful day – sunny skies, warm water, light breeze, slight swell…gorgeous. as i was enjoying the beauty of the experience (and the grind – a great workout…although, anything for me these days is a workout) i was reminded of this principle…
keep your head up.
when i kept my eyes on the horizon and where i was headed i felt steadier…the whole experience was more rewarding because i could take in the beauty (and stay on my feet). but if i let my eyes fall to the water directly in front of me, the nose of my board, or even the water and drifting seaweed next to me, i would lose my balance and fall into the big blue ocean.
guys…this is true in life as well. keep your head up – keep your eyes on the horizon…where you are headed…who you want to become…on jesus. you’ll have a better perspective on things and you get to experience more of the beauty in the journey. when you let your eyes fall and focus on the things around you – the temptations, the issues, the fears – they become larger and consuming and it’s easier to fall in.
learn how to say (and really mean) these words guys. your mom is so much better at it than i am. she can honestly look at her part in any situation (well, almost any) and lead with humility and grace. me…i often rationalize and make excuses to the bitter end just to prove something, usually out of my insecurities. i want to be right, i want to be powerful, i want to be perfect, i want to be in control and “i’m sorry” takes all that away from me and puts me in a place of vulnerability. “i’m sorry” says i’m human, i screwed up, i blew it, and i acknowledge i hurt you. ouch.
most people would admit you’re the most honest at home and with those you love which means our family and close friends often get the “worst” (or most authentic) versions of us. this is probably an area that reverses that trend because as difficult as it is to say “i’m sorry” at home, it’s even more difficult to say at work. jobs and work environments are based on performance…you actually get to keep your job by performing well and accomplishing as much as possible in as little time as possible for as little money as possible. “i’m sorry” reveals and acknowledges human weakness and imperfection making us feel like our job and perceived value, provision and security are at risk.
don’t buy the lie kids…
“i’m sorry” unites…”i’m sorry” heals…”i’m sorry” brings freedom…”i’m sorry” acknowledges dependence on jesus and his gift of forgiveness and grace…
do you need to say “i’m sorry” to anyone?!?!
so, a few months back i’m having coffee with a pal and he tells me he’s been keeping an online journal that someday he hopes to pass along to his kids. he keeps it under wraps (nobody can see it, read it, mock it, question it), but either way, it’s there. it’s a thought that has been orbiting in my head since…
occasionally, i post on twitter and facebook some questions and thoughts that are circling in my mind…things that stir fear, doubt, insecurity as well as hope, love and kindness. sometimes this causes some good discussion and feedback but one person asked why i don’t ever answer the questions.
the intersection of these 2 thoughts is what you are looking at – my blog. an online journal to write to my kids and go deeper than 140 characters on some thoughts and questions. all the miscellaneous ramblings of an ordinary man trying to move through life learning how to be a better man, husband, father, friend, follower of Jesus and lover of people. i realize that this breaks all the rules of blogging (i’m not an expert, i don’t have a particular focus, i may not be consistent, blah, blah, blah) but i’m not trying to influence you. if in the years ahead my kids can look back and read/see/learn who their father was in his own words – my questions, fears, doubts, loves, weaknesses, strengths – then this blog will be successful. now, don’t get me wrong. if along the way you have thoughts, questions, observations and learnings for me – i’m all ears. but, this isn’t for you…it’s for my kids. (just so we’re clear)
so, here we go…one ordinary man’s thoughts on life…
kade, tate, cozy – i love your mom and you guys with all my heart…
